Simly put: *Sigh*

Let first off state that this blog was NEVER intended to be a venting place for me, but unfortunately I'm dealing with complete bullshit on my hands. All this crap started on Tuesday....

*The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

I got paid on Tuesday, I have had literally no money for the last two weeks, so I decide I will reward myself and go to my favorite bar and "reward" myself for a hard days work. All I wanted after the ludicrous day I had was a stiff drink and some sweet potato fries, but no, people HAVE to be assholes. So I go to the bar, sit down, order my drink, and just after I take my first wonderful sip of the amazingness of the whiskey and coke, who do I see? None other than my ex, fucking great. Honestly, that wasn't that bad, we hugged and talked about how life was. Then I see one of my ex's friends that I haven't seen in a long time so him and I are talking. Ex and friend go outside to smoke. One of my ex's other friends, we'll refer to him as friend B for the purpose of the story, starts yelling at me about being at the bar where I know my ex goes to all the time, and how I am flirting with friend A just to fuck with my ex. So I decide "fuck this, I'm not dealing with this shit" I go outside, kill my drink, and say my goodbyes to the ex. That night, the ex invites my over and we hang out.

So yesterday I'm hanging out with some friends and I get a text message from a friend C, saying "Leave *insert ex's name here* alone! he doesn't need ur psycho ass. Ur dead weight 4 him hes alot better off without u. Piss off!" Now being the person I am I call the ex and calmly explain to him that if he doesn't want to see me to just tell me and not have his friends do it and also if the case is that he wants to hang out with me then he needs to tell his friends to stop trying to control him just cause they don't like me. He appoligised and we hung out last night.

All I'm saying is what in holy hell does my situation have to do with any of his friends? What goes on between the ex and I is OUR business and I am fucking tired of his friends dictating how things go down between him and I. I am also fucking sick, to death I might add, of the ex thinking that he can't step on anyones toes once in awhile. Honestly *insert ex's name here* if your friends get pissed off about someone you're hanging out with, and they decide that if you continue to see said person that your friendship is over, than were they really your friend to begin with? Obviously not if thats the case, ugh I fell better now, stupid friends b and c, grr!

The perfect new beginning...

So the last few weeks have been absolutely horrid for me. Money stresses, my dad murdering my laptop, and above all I have been killing myself at work. I think yesterday was a new beginning for me, seriously. I woke up and walked through my closet and I happened to see my favorite pair of pants. I haven't been able to wear them for a year, but for some reason I decided that today I would wear them, I tried them on and "woah" they actually fit me. Sometimes small victories like that are enough to keep me going.

Well my birthday was last weekend and my parents told me they had something for me. I poped over there and lowen behold there it was; a brand new toshiba laptop, I thought I would pass out. Seriously after what happened to my other one I didn't know when I could get another one.

Finally my friend Mark came to visit for a while last night, I had a blast, I really needed the pick-me-up, and the food wasn't half bad too. Apparently my pick of liquid ginger was perfect for someone from out of town that knew literally nothing about gainesville.

So I think tomorrow will hopefully diffrent for me, I am seriously going to try and relax more, I have enough going on at home, and in all reality at the end of the day its not my ass on the chopping block, its my bosses, I really need to chill out.

New year, new life?

I woke up this morning, with my boyfriend, feeling pretty good. Mostly because my birthday is in two days. I woke up all cuddly with Adam and I realized that I don't need my ex, obviously he wasn't good for me. Not that I need a man in my life, but it felt good being cared for, being held by someone I care a great deal about. This is Adam and I's second-go-round and I have to say I was wrong to have left him in the first place. Maybe someday far away we could be more serious in our relationship, but for now I like goofing off and our delicious bedroom endeavors. So I guess for now, we'll see

Running, pt. 1

I went for a beautiful run today. Sometimes I go running for exercise purposes, sometimes to clear my head. Today was somewhere in between. there's a point in the trip, every time this happens, where I reach a moment of clarity. I have a brief moment where I can examine everything in my life and see what I need to do to solve problems I may be facing. Today I was deep in thought, when out of no where this douche bag honks at me and yells something out of his car window. Now I ask you, did this man seriously think anything positive would come out of this gesture? He killed it, the one time of day where I get to be alone and think things through. So annoyed as I was, I kept going on my usual route. I decided to make a small veer off course and run through part of the park for some water. I sat on a bench for a moment, on the other end was this old man. He said good evening and told me that he met his wife in that very park, and he loved to take a walk there every now and then to think about it. It was like something out of a movie. Unfortunately, I had to finish my run, the sun would be setting soon, and I don't like to run after dark. So all in all, a good run. I'm sure there will be many more blogs about my running, I enjoy it so much, sorry if you hate it but then again you choose to read it knowing the title.

I never thought this would happen...

My friend sent me a link today to a porn, he swore that we knew the girl in it, I didn't. That's not the point of the story. I sat there for minutes today watching these two, armatures at best, doing well, the deed, and I began to cry. You see recently I was in a fairly serious relationship with some one, some one I cared deeply for. These two people on my computer screen made me miss the intensity level at which my former lover and I had sex, err made love. A porno, which if I am correct is supposed to make you feel ecstasy, not ball like your 16 and you just lost your high school sweetheart. I miss him, so much. I feel stupid, he didn't want me, obviously. I guess its pointless waiting around wishing someone was missing you. I miss laughing all day, and holding each other every night. I miss oversleeping on the weekends, and staying up too late together watching television. I miss the mind blowing love that we made together, like when we were together nothing else mattered, just that we were together in the moment, in love.

It seems strange that when you meet someone you think is right for you, you change everything about yourself that's broken. All the people in the past that hurt you don't matter to you anymore because for one brief moment in time you are happy. You hope and pray that this person you just put all your marbles into isn't going to be the next one on your list of disappointments and broken dreams. Mistakes you've made seem so far away, and so forgiven by this person and you don't even need to ask.

The thing I miss the most is staring at each other, not saying anything and knowing whats being said between the two of us. Is that what you call a "soul mate"? I hope not. I know in my heart that he must not have been right for me, there is someone out there for me who is perfect, at least a girl can dream.